Clash of the Titans or Remaking Old Movies In 3D Doesn't Make It Better But Adding Gemma Arterton Does

Hmmm...Clash of the Titans...3D...... I was really, really stoked to see this movie as I had grown up with the original and it kicked...well, it was pretty cool when I was a kid. Granted, now it's pretty cheesy and the special effects are laughable compared to the James Cameron visual computer orgasms we have today, but it was cool for the eighties (*sigh* How I miss my mullet). So when I saw this trailer:


I really wanted go see this movie (Refer to the really, really stoked above). I mean, c'mon! The action scenes were coordinated with kickass music! That means it has to be good. Right? No. No, not at all. This movie was not very good. The plot was a regurgitation of the original, just with better special effects (which isn't saying much). They didn't even try to make it new (except they did get rid of the irritating mechanical owl which was basically the precursor to Jar Jar Binks). That's great for some movies but let's face it, the original really wasn't that good either. The script was cheesy and made me roll my eyes a few times. And at the end *spoiler alert*, everything turns out great for the protagonist. He even gets his dead girlfriend back. All the other red shirts he travelled with met their untimely and gruesome end, but at least he got his girl back. Saccharine bullshit.

Before this movie, I had watched the lead actor, Sam Worthington, in Avatar, and that movie was pretty good. Additionally, I had Netflixed old Sam in Terminator:Salvation and he carried that movie (Christian Bale's raspy and utterly inappropriate Batman voice generated hostility in me). So when I saw that it had my wife's crush Sam in it, it added to my excitement. Why Sam? Why?

I guess I should temper my terrible review of this movie with some good things. One, the action scenes were pretty incredible, especially in 3D. They did a phenomenal job with those and I love me some good fight scenes. Two, the lead female, Gemma Arterton is smoking hot.


She's so hot, I chose the biggest picture I could find of her to post on here. Ok, not really, it was the best one I found on google images and I'm ok with it being gigantic (Titan sized maybe? Hmmmm? No? I tried. Suck it.) And last but certainly not least, I got to watch all of the previews for other 3D movies and found out that this particularly craptastic abortion is coming out:


There were people literally laughing out loud (LOL for the normal conversation impaired) around me. Who in the hell green lit this movie? What mouthbreathing demographic goes to the movies enough to justify this crap in 3D? I especially love how the lead mouthbreather is giving a Fight Club-esque briefing to the new girl. Really dude? I hate to break this to you but no amount of tough talk will make you Tyler Durden (or even Meatloaf's bitch titted character) as you sacrificed all of your man points the minute your agent said "I have the perfect role for you." The first rule about dance club is you don't talk about dance club because people will take your lunch money and pummel the crap out of you.

But I digress. Clash O' Titans was decent for what it is: An action movie. If you are expecting substance, well, you're going to be sorely disappointed. And legitimately (hopefully), I don't think they were expecting an Oscar nod. If they were, they will be sorely disappointed as well. I give it a C-.